Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
