I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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