Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize