Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
