I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
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just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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