Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize