i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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