Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
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I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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