our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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