he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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