yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
