so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
