Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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