if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
