Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
