my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
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I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.