i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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