can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
