I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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