I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
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How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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