When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
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He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?