I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
