Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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