my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
