My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
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The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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