I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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