I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.