Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
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How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying