seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat