I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
