it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE