your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.