An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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