Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
