My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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