So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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