Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
