Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.