I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for