What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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