why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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