Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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