i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did I show you my penis last night?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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