Swine flu. Run for my life!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
