if you like me you must not know who I am
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
