I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
