plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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