No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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