I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time