i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
lol hangovers are for mortals.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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