the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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