What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
